Jessica’s The Bomb

Exclusive captured images from 7th Heaven starlet Jessica Biel’s latest theatrical thriller ‘Next’, reveals a few excitingly disappointing situations.

From what I’ve been able to conclude from it’s trailer using my official VH1 T.S.C. (Trailer Scene Investigator) kit, Cris Johnson played by over the hill action star Nicolas Cage has the ability to see into his own future, a talent that has warranted the attention of the United States government. After escaping the government’s clutches, thanks to some idiot leaving a women in charge of keeping the worlds most eminent person confined, and trying to prevent a nuclear disaster, Cris finds his gal pal played by Ms.Biel (whose 18-years younger then him in real life) strapped with enough dynamite to exhaust JJ “Dyn-O-Mite” Walker. Now Cris has to find the correct path that keeps him out of government captivity, stops an imminent terrorist attack, and allows him to keep bumping ugliest with Jeter’s left over’s.

Although the movies screen captured images (Pictures After The Jump) are so sultry that they could make it into Celebri-Net’s esteemed logo, with an advisory rating of PG-13 we know Cage is going to save the day, and Jessica’s no-nudity clause percentage at 100 you can expect to see more skin at a PETA rally then on J-Biel in this flick.

What I don’t understand is if Nicholas can see into the future, why he doesn’t know that once he beds this beauty, that the divinely unobtainable bedding isn’t as sexually satisfying as it is painfully belittling and shamefully humiliating. If he just works his little magic on the roulette table, and lets the chick get blown up, he’ll avoid losing his fading dignity when he is put through the overpowering, and submissively degrading, dominated positions he’ll be forced into by the she-man butch beasest known as Biel.